Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child. We gather together from different places on our journey, each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.
This month for Walking With You, we are starting something new. We will be going through the Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study for the next nine weeks. Even if you have not joined us previously, I hope you will join us for this. All are welcome. My prayer is that it will bring hope and much-needed encouragement to hearts that are grieving.
I'm truly looking forward to walking through this study with others who are on the same journey. There is comfort in knowing you are not alone and delving into scriptural promises. Since I have not shared Ethan's story completely before, I thought I would start out with a short summary. I'm hoping to write out his full birth story soon and record some of the memories we have leading up to his birth as well.
April 2009 was a big month for us. Brian received his Doctorate, we sold our house, sold one of our cars, I resigned from my job, and we packed to move up North. We had normal doctors appointments and had been given approval to travel with stops to stretch. We were stopping in Georgia for Ethan's showers and then making our way to New York. Moving was a whirlwind and we made it to Georgia safely. Saturday we had a shower in Ellijay and Sunday we had one in Dacula. Since we knew we were moving we had not made many purchases yet, so it was neat to pack up all the goodies we received and put them on the truck. Early Monday morning, the day Brian and my brother were going to start driving the truck (I was staying in Georgia to rest a few more days) I woke up and knew something was wrong. We rushed to the emergency room and they found out my blood pressure was dangerously high. Because of other symptoms, and ultrasound was performed and I could tell by the looks on their faces and the silence in the room that something was wrong. A doctor came in and told us I had preeclampsia which caused placental abruption and that Ethan had passed away. They admitted me, started the induction, and we were in shock. Twenty nine precious weeks with him, and he was gone. They confirmed I also had HELLP syndrome and that Ethan potentially had IUGR (different doctors have different opinions). I delivered Ethan on Tuesday and we got to share him with our families and have NILMDTS pictures taken. I was discharged from the hospital on Thursday and we had a graveside service on Friday morning. We celebrated his life and were loved on by our friends and family.
There are several questions and scriptures to read in the second chapter, but I am just going to focus on what meant the most to me. The book talks about the questions you ask in the beginning, primarily 'Why'. I do still wonder why sometimes, though it comes in shifts. I have mostly come to terms with the fact that I will probably never completely know why. Sure I know what physically went wrong, but I will probably never know why we didn't just have a preemie in the NICU or why having children comes so easily to others. I realize that it's just not something I'm going to know, but I'm glad that God does. The author points to Ecclesiasties 11:5 and Isaiah 55:8-9. I also believe that it will all work together for good (Rom. 8:28), and that is a big comfort.
One scripture that I had not studied in particular was from II Samuel 12:15-23 when it talks about how David reacted to the death of his son. He grieved while he was ill, but after he died he worshiped and spoke of being with him again in Heaven. I don't always have that attitude, but I do cling to the fact that we will be reunited one day. This passage was a good reminder of that promise.
5 comments:
I developed pre-eclampsia with my two living children's pregnancies, too, as well as HELLP syndrome during my first pregnancy. And then again with Chaya I developed pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome as well, but she died before it was confirmed.
I didn't always have David's attitude either. In the beginning, I was so angry with God I could have spit fire! I PRAISE HIM EVERY DAY that He held on to me through that time. And now, while it still hurts to be without my Little One, I can praise Him in knowing that all things work together for the good of them who love the Lord. And even if I don't know the reason behind the pain, I know that there IS a reason, otherwise God would not have allowed it. And someday I will be with her in Heaven.
Just as you and your husband will see Ethan again someday. And the memory of all of this pain will be removed and all you will know is joy.
Cecilia...I'm so glad you're taking part in the bible study with us this month. Thank you for sharing part of Ethan's story. My heart ached with you as I read your words. Your family was in the midst of such a hopeful time, moving to a new place with a new baby on the way, filling your truck with new gifts to welcome him. I am so sorry that you had to say good-bye to him instead.
I thought the authors' example of the girl waiting for her quilt as a gift for her grandmother and receiving the disappointing pieces rang true for me. Although, I loved my children, no matter what... like all mothers,I hoped for a joyous birth, not a heart-breaking goodbye.
I love the verses you shared also. I think praising Him in the midst of grief is something we all struggle with. God understands that. We are hurting. Worshipping and praising Him with broken hearts may not look like the typical joyful, light-hearted praise. It may be as simple as just knowing that God is the One to go to, when we're hurting... and squeaking out a tearful "Help" prayer to our Father. Our praise can look different at different times. And, you are praising and glorifying Him with your life. Your heart is beautiful.
Continued prayers for you...
Wow. . . what a hard thing to go through! I am so sorry that you went through this. So good that you had friends and family nearby! I have noticed, too, that feeling alone makes this all much harder.
I'm glad you joined in!! I like the verse you spoke about. It does reassure as that we will one day go to our children!!
The shock of losing Ethan must have been so difficult. Just as you questioned why your baby didn't survive and go to the NICU, I wondered why Amniotic Band Syndrome caused my baby to die, when so many other children live through it. I agree that David worshiping after his son died and remembering that they will be reunited is a good reminder of the promise of eternal life. Praising God was definitely painful (it still is sometimes), but I know He is with me, and He is holding my baby's spirit.
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