Happy First Birthday, Ethan!

Our Anniversary Present

Brian and I don't usually get into gift giving to each other that much. I think a lot of it has to do with not wanting to spend money, but this year we decided to splurge a little since we had a tax return. One of our good friends here is an artist. He does some really neat stuff, and Brian and I have really enjoyed his Tanzania work (Jim lived there for a time and learned the style of painting). Brian decided to surprise me by talking to Jim about creating some paintings for us. He ended up cluing me in, which was nice because I got to help pick them out. I had a hard time photographing them because of the reflection on the glass, but they really are phenomenal! Jim has a variety of artwork, and some is for sale. You should check out his flickr page.

Cute post-it note holders

I am a lover of craft blogs, and I'm forever 'starring' things in Google reader to do one day. I saw this idea on Nap Time Crafts and immediately thought of my mom since they make things for church sometimes. She and Terri ended up making them and I think they came out so cute! Just thought I'd share a picture of theirs in case you're looking for a thoughtful but not too complicated gift!

Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study: Week 4 & 5

Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child. We gather together from different places on our journey, each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.  


The lessons for weeks four and five revolve around a few topics, so I am going to focus on the highlights. The first lesson dealt with depression, loneliness, guilt and fear. I liked the verses from Esther mentioned (Esther 4:1,3) and agree with a fellow participant that it would be nice in some ways if grief was more of an expected outward expression. I'm not sure that the examples given for depression aren't really forms of grief, at least that's how I consider them. I'm also a sucker for biblical hope. Not in a name it and claim it way, but in a comforting kind of way that even in the midst of the mud we can still have hope in His purpose. Psalm 126:5-6-"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him."

I've talked in previous posts about loneliness and I don't have anything to add. I will say that I love the verse from Deuteronomy that was used: Deuteronomy 31:8-"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."


Regarding guilt I feel like I covered that in the lesson on anger, so I'm not going to rehash it here. Many verses that are used in the study are very familar to me, but I really appreciated their use of Hebrews 10:22-23-"let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

The last topic of fear blends in well with the week five lesson, so I'll move on to it. Week five's lesson is all about moving on. It sounds picky, but I'd rather say moving forward, it seems more appropriate to me. In this chapter we think about the future and what it means for us in terms of parenting other children and our relationship with God. I do have fears about our hope of raising children. I can't say I understand why God has given us such a desire, but hasn't let it happen. It's just something we pray about and hope that God will allow us to raise children whether through pregnancy or adoption. I do hope that with time I will have a more defined picture of what this aspect of life will look like moving forward, but it's just not clear now. As far as my relationship with God and how it relates to my desire to parent,  I think Molly did a brilliant job explaining this, even though our situations aren't identical. It's a tangled thing for me, and something I don't understand, but as I said in the last lesson I'm trying to seek comfort in his sovereignty. God doesn't promise that things will be perfect, just that He will be with us.

That's it, if you followed my train of thought I'm impressed ;).

Update:
Will you pray for us? We are hoping to talk to our small group tomorrow and explain about losing Ethan. One couple knows already and has been wonderful, but we are nervous to share with everyone. I doubt anyone will react poorly, it's just hard to be so open and our emotions are already on edge since his birthday is next week. Thank you.

Six Years

It's hard to believe it's been six years since we said "I do". Life has thrown more at us than I would have expected in that time, but I'm glad you've been by my side through it all. Here's to a lifetime of years together!!

Love you!!

Mexican Stuffed Bell Peppers

We tried something different last night, and I thought I would pass it along in case you are also in a food slump. I'm not a great cook, nor very adventurous, but for once winging it payed off! Here's what we did:

Mexican Stuffed Bell Peppers

Serves 6 people (yup, I made way too much but hopefully it will be good leftovers).

6 bell peppers, cored and rinsed (we used the sweet ones because that's what we had)
1/2 to 1 lb seasoned ground beef or chicken, cooked.*
1 cup of Spanish rice, cooked**
Shredded cheese
Black beans or refried beans (optional, we're going to add next time)
Salsa or diced tomatoes

We layered the ingredients in each bell pepper and then cooked in the oven for 30 minutes at 400 degrees. I put a tiny bit of chicken broth in the bottom of the dish to try to keep them from getting too dry, but I don't know if it made a difference.

Remove from oven, serve with sour cream and guacamole if you're into that, and enjoy!


*I ended up cooking a whole pound of taco meat and two chicken breasts so it's hard to say, but I could see how this would be a good way to use up leftover taco meat too. We had some of both meats left over.
**We make Spanish/Mexican rice an easy way. Boil 1/2 cup of chicken broth, 1/2 cup of salsa and then add 1 cup of minute rice. Not authentic, but still tasty!

Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study: Week 3

Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child. We gather together from different places on our journey, each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.  

I'm really behind on this study, but I'm committed to finishing it, even if it's well after the nine weeks are over. I'll be honest, this study has made me do a lot of "soul searching" and dealing with the emotions that came with losing Ethan. I'm trying to be open and honest, but I also need to guard my heart, particularly regarding what I put out here for all to see. Bear with me as I figure out what that balance is.


Lesson four (week 3) is about anger. If you read the last lesson, you know that anger was an unexpected emotion for me when it came to dealing with Ethan's passing. Not because I thought I was above it, but I think it was because in the beginning I felt so secure in the providence of it, if that makes sense. Too many things were in place about when we lost him that it was hard to deny God's involvement. As time has passed it is something I have been working on, so this lesson is timely.

One of the things that I have learned along the way is that anger is not a sin, it's how we respond/express it. I can't say that it's how I always felt, but when I did realize it,  it was a relief to know that feeling angry wasn't inherently wrong. Ephesians 4:26-27 talks about dealing with anger and what not to let it do:"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, ²⁷and do not give the devil a foothold." (NIV). The study breaks down anger into three categories: anger with myself, anger with others, and anger with God. 

As far as others go, I have struggled with how losing Ethan has changed my relationships with others. Let's face it, friendships are much harder when life gets hard, and sometimes others can't handle it. The changes/distances in friendships was a loss I wasn't prepared for and has been an adjustment. I haven't admitted it to many, but I doubt it's an unusual occurrence with baby loss. I have said before that my gut response has been to internalize things and pull back some from others too, so I know I'm not exactly easy. I've also said before that I have to be careful not to put too much pressure on relationships, or expect too much out of others. This is definitely an area that is a work in progress and I'm working on forgiving and being compassionate (Ephesians 4:31-32, 1 Peter 3:9).

Anger with myself, has been something I've been dealing with as well. Some of it is tied to the fact that it was a maternal illness (preeclampsia and HELLP) that caused Ethan's death. It's hard not to think back on all the possible signs of what was to come, and also knowing that if we get pregnant again, we also have no guarantees. I don't always like the way I've changed either, and I think we can be our worst critics in general. I'm working on allowing myself grace as well. The verse that sticks out from this section is Psalm 139:15-16. It's not a new scripture to me, but it is a reassurance when I begin to worry about how things could have been different (... All the days ordained for [Ethan] were written in your book before one of them came to be.)

Anger with God is hard to admit sometimes. I think for the most part, my anger has been directed more towards the situation, rather than God. In most ways, I think this past year has drawn us closer to Him. My perspective on Heaven is more real, and I can look forward to that day. The sacrifice God made in giving up His son for us and the anguish of that choice is something I can grasp better than I did. I can't imagine having to make that choice, but I think I can relate a bit more to it's severity. Something else a friend and I were talking about the other day, is that I think I have a better perspective now on my relationship with God (a broader scope) than I did before. God doesn't have to answer our prayers the way we wanted Him to in order to be faithful. Do I know why we struggled with fertility, were blessed with Ethan for 29 weeks, and then had to give him back? Why we had to deal with losing Ethan across the country from friends and family? Nope, and I don't think I probably will understand it on this side of Heaven. I may want to, but I don't need to understand. Does that make sense? There is comfort in knowing He is omniscient and is in control even if my finite mind doesn't always understand.  

 

Hand of Fate Book Review

I had the opportunity to review Hand of Fate by Lis Wiehl early for Booksneeze.com. I was not familiar with the series before I received this book, so I have not read Face of Betrayal. Even so, I felt like the author did a good job at introducing the characters without assuming you had read the first book. Reading this book was a nice change of pace for me, a suspenseful novel starring a trio of female characters: Nicole Hedges, an FBI special agent, Allison Pierce, a Federal Prosecutor, and Cassidy Shaw, a crime reporter. Though the characters have worked together before and have a history (all three went to private school together) this book probes their relationships and challenges their ability to trust each other.

Hand of Fate tells the tale of a popular and controversial radio talk show host who is murdered. The radio host, Jim Fate, is a very polarizing character, so the list of suspects is not short. There are a few nods to the headlines, and I appreciated how it made me reconsider how I interpreted those events. Though I have read crime novels before, I was pretty ignorant of the TV and radio behind the scenes, and I felt Wiehl did a great job of making you feel like an insider. The plot keeps you guessing, though I wish the twist had been developed a bit more (the middle was a little slow). Overall, it was a good read and I'm interesting in picking up the rest of the series!



Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com <http://BookSneeze.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Remembering Ethan

Michelle was kind enough to send me a picture of Ethan's name today. It always means a lot when others think of him too!

Seeing this reminded me that I forgot to post the picture I got from Holly. My memory stinks, I'm sorry Holly! Aren't these ladies the sweetest?

I hope you had a blessed Easter!!

Matthew 28:6a - He is not here; he has risen, just as he said.