Also on the plane...

I surprised Bri by bringing back some biscuits! They were a little scrunched (I had them in my carry-on), but they survived and were very yummy. Lucky for me he was willing to share ;).

Eleven Months: Can it really be?

I can't believe it's less than a month before Ethan's first heavenly birthday. To be honest, I'm not ready. I try not to dwell on what Ethan would be doing now, or what our life would look like. But, at occasions like this, it's hard not to know. When you pray for a child for so long, you have lots of time to dream of what's to come. Looking forward to simple things like late night bonding and learning how to parent, and bigger things like big dinners with family and how we would celebrate birthdays. It's hard to reconcile our first birthday dreams with reality.

Being pregnant along with many friends, I've had the joy of watching their little ones grow. I would be lying if I said that sometimes it wasn't hard, but for me, withdrawing from their lives would only make things worse. My gut instinct when I am uncomfortable or hurting is to protect myself, retreating from those I love. Since being a hermit isn't an option and I crave relationships, I'm trying to stay present. It's been a bit harder lately as others plan and celebrate first birthdays, so bear with me if I'm more focused on how we're coping.

I don't often ask, but will you pray for us as we approach Ethan's first birthday? Right now we're not sure what it will look like, but it is incredibly important to me to do something.  More than likely we will not be able to go to Georgia (where Ethan is buried and our families live) and that is hard on my heart. I've also been a lot more sensitive in my interactions with others, and putting high expectations on relationships, and I don't want to be that way. Please pray that we would find peace and comfort as Ethan's birthday approaches and that we can celebrate his life.

They still exist

(the view from my window on the plane)

This girlie may have had a slight panic attack when I realized that I would be on a prop plane for my flight from La Guardia to Ithaca. If you have never ridden on one, they are louder, smaller, and bumpier. To top it off, the flight attendant made her final round through the airplane earlier since our landing was going to be bumpy and she was concerned for her safety (a paraphrase of her words). It was definitely worth it to see some friends I have missed dearly, and I did make it to Ithaca safe and sound. Next time I'll just be medicated ;)

In case you were curious...

Here are the results of the blog poll (I know you were on the edge of your seat waiting for the results ;). I thought they were interesting, and helped me figure out how to handle it. Thanks for participating! I think I'm going to leave things as is for now, but I might delete comments (the ones I think are spam) if they get out of control.

	9 responses Summary See complete responses Does it bother you to have to do word verification to leave a comment? People may select more than one checkbox, so percentages may add up to more than 100%. Do you moderate your blog comments? People may select more than one checkbox, so percentages may add up to more than 100%. Do you get spam comments on your blog? Have a great weekend!

Homemade goodness

Our budget has a very limited place in it for extras, which has led me to be more creative with the gifts I give. At first that really frustrated me, but now I think it's kind of a challenge, and I love spending time on things for people I care about. I thought I would share a few of the things from Christmas and the baby madness that is going around lately =)

I really wanted to make my mom a quilt, and she wanted it to be out of black and white fabric. I used these instructions from Cluck.Cluck.Sew and she really simplified the process. (sorry I don't have a great picture, I didn't think about that until after I gave it to her).

I decided to wing it and make a purse for Tara too. It has pockets on the inside and straps of course that you can't see.

We used this tutorial to make coasters and they were really easy. I would have to say that we ended up using a sealer on ours so that the stamping wouldn't wipe off.

I was reading on a blog, I think it was Prayer of Hannah in the comments, that you could use sheet protectors as a way to reuse stickers. Since Reagan is a sticker fanatic, I made her a folder with sheet protectors, stickers, printed off coloring pages, and dry erase markers (you can wipe off dry erase markers from the sheet protectors and re-color the coloring pages). No picture, but you get the idea.

 This isn't really along the same lines, but I also finally made the Pioneer Woman's cinnamon roll recipe! They are a bit time consuming, but definitely doable, even for a novice like me. We won't be eating them regularly (they are in no way diet food =), but they have definitely made the list of things we will make again.

We also have lots of new babies in our lives. I have enjoyed finding new patterns to make gifts for those little ones. Here are a few things I've made along with links to the patterns:

Changing pad/wipes holder(pattern from Cluck.Cluck.Sew)

Blanket (no pattern here, I just cut two pieces of fleece the same size, sewed together and top stitched)

Bibs ( pattern from Chickpea studio), burp cloths (pattern from Nap Time Crafts), baby shoes (found via Laffty Crafty, pattern from Stardust shoes).

Lots of fun, and much less money!

Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study: Week 2

Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child. We gather together from different places on our journey, each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.


This month for Walking With You, we are starting something new. We will be going through the Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study for the next nine weeks. Even if you have not joined us previously, I hope you will join us for this. All are welcome. My prayer is that it will bring hope and much-needed encouragement to hearts that are grieving. 


So, can I just admit that this bible study, along with reading Beth Moore's "So Long Insecurity" has really challenged me? I feel like I'm being stretched, which is a great thing, but man it's not comfortable ;). Processing how it all applies to my life has literally worn me out, but it's made me take an honest look at myself and where I am. Without further ado... Lesson 3 is all about Grief and the different ways people experience and handle it.

I have read Job before, but I hadn't delved too deeply in all the different reactions Job had to his losses. And, as odd as it sounds, I appreciated that the authors had you write things out. It helped me look back and truly see the variations, just something about actually writing something down. This lesson also discussed the different stages of grief, and asked tough (to me at least) questions about where we are in our grief. Honestly, I needed to think about that because though I'm not in denial anymore about losing Ethan, I've been stagnant lately. My way of coping is often to just not talk about it, but I know that isn't helping. I also have to admit that lately I've been dealing with anger. I'm not a naturally angry person, so this one is a new one for me. Hopefully this stage passes quickly =). Going through the questions was a good way to take an assessment of where I am.


Two scriptures stuck out to me, perhaps because they are about restoration. First Peter is comforting to me because I often struggle with trying to deal with everything myself. I need to work on dealing with my anxieties better and remember that I don't have to carry them. The scripture from Romans is a great promise as well, it's something you've seen me reference before. I don't know that the good always comes this side of Heaven (something a friend and I were actually taking about, any thoughts?), but I do believe it will come.

1 Peter 5:6-11 (New International Version): ⁶Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. ⁷Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. ⁸Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. ¹⁰And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. ¹¹To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

 Romans 8:28 (New International Version):²⁸And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,^[a] who^[b] have been called according to his purpose.

 (both references from biblegateway.com)

So there you have it, my honest reflection (ugliness and all). Grief is not always pretty, but I'm glad we don't have to grieve without hope!

Random poll about blog comments

So, I've been thinking about blog comments lately because I seem to be getting some spam/suspicious comments. I'm a sucker for surveys (I actually take some for extra money ;), so I thought I would gather your opinions. Will you let me know what you think? Even if you just 'lurk', feel free to join in. It's anonymous so you don't have to come out of hiding ;)

P.S. If you use google, and haven't checked out google docs, you should. I know they aren't perfect, but they are easy! Did I mention I'm also a sucker for free?

You are not alone

Tonight Bri and I decided to head to a Selah concert spur of the moment (we found out about it this weekend). As in, the concert was in a town about an hour away and we decided an hour and a half before it started. I had gotten their new CD for Christmas, and really wanted to see them in person. Bri obliged me, we made it there with 10 minutes to spare and snagged two folding chairs along the wall of a packed house. We were just enjoying the music, and then Todd Smith mentioned that his wife was going to speak. Can I tell you how excited I got that I would get to hear from Angie?

When Angie stepped onto the stage my emotions were already starting to churn. I knew she was going to share Audrey with us, and I always feel blessed when another mother gets to recognize her little one. Tears started pouring as she recounted their story and I got caught up in a tangle of emotions for their Audrey and our Ethan. She said something that struck me. That Audrey had weight, and she mattered (she put it more eloquently, but I think you understand). It was so nice to hear words iterated that I feel so deeply. She then asked all the mothers who has suffered a pregnancy or early child loss to stand up. Honestly, the number of women who stood up were staggering to me. She said what I so desperately needed to hear tonight: "You are not alone". I get frustrated sometimes, because this kind of loss is such an isolating thing and not something everyone understands. Seeing tangibly others who have lost was overwhelming and comforting at the same time. We are not alone.

That visual reminder will stick with me for a long time. I'm so glad we were able to go and experience the music and testimony!