Bare Honesty

I read a post by Kelly at Sufficient Grace this morning, and it really made me think. I don't think it was meant to be the main focus of the post, but she was talking about being a 're-player' and it really hit met because I have been doing that all day today. It's honestly a bad habit of mine, because when Brian and I get together with other people my insecurity comes to a head as soon as we get in the car. I'm usually giving a play-by-play of all the things I said or did that were goofy at best, and reading deeper into what others say. It drives him crazy, but he tolerates it pretty well, reminding me that I think about things way too much.

I know it is probably shocking to some, especially other baby loss moms, but most people in New York don't know about Ethan. It's not because we're ashamed (incredibly far from it), but it happened for a variety of reasons. At first, it was because it we lost him while we were moving, and we knew no one up here. We had to tell Brian's boss because he was going to be late to start his post doc, but it has never been discussed since we got here. I'm an incredibly private person (one of the many reasons that blogging came as a surprise), and losing Ethan is so very personal. It's not something you rattle off as a factoid when you meet someone new, and it changes the way people interact with you. If friends don't always know how to handle it (understandably so), how do I expect strangers to know how to react?

We have been trying to meet people at church, and started attending a small group of married couples. I've got to be honest, it was really hard. Things are different here and I have such a hard time with change. Though it was a new group, many of the couples have known each other for awhile, and most are younger than us. The past two weeks seem to have been easier (though I still replay things in the car) and have enjoyed getting to know a few people better.

I was honest about my desire to find a job, which is sticky thing to me because I know people wonder why I wasn't looking before we moved. This week, one of the ladies I have gotten to know emailed me to let me know about a position available in a Chiropractor's office. I was so touched, and yet uncomfortable at the same time. Ever since we lost Ethan, I have a really hard time with medical offices. Not really a good thing when you have to go back several times, and just thinking about that setting gives me chills.

So I took a leap. I really wanted her to know how much I appreciated that she thought of me and to also understand why I couldn't do it. So I told her. And now I'm wondering if that was the right thing to do...I hate all the double-guessing! Being so open makes me fell bare. I just don't know how else to truly let people in without exposing our hurt. And tonight we go back to small group and I'm so very nervous. Yuck!

Does that even make sense?  Do you struggle with insecurity? Are you a re-player? If you are, how do you tame it?

Snow and visitors

I've realized that I don't always share the nice things about living in the finger lakes. Below is a short video of the snowfall (I always wondered what 'real' snow looked like when we lived in Georgia. So, for all my Southern buddies, here's 22 secs of 'real' snow). Sorry for the annoying red light reflection. I wasn't going to stand outside, it was too cold!

There are also a few shots of the backyard visitors we've had lately. So see, I can find some positive things about being here =). Enjoy!



The first picture is not zoomed to show how close they are to our back door. These are the only kind of visitors we get right now, but I'll take it!

A human face

Sometimes I think we forget that the wars mentioned in news bites are fought by human beings with lives and families. Brian and I went to college with James and Chassie, and James is one of the many faces of the war right now. James was interviewed along with others and Chassie posted the link on facebook. Please take the time to watch this piece and pray for the soldiers and their families.

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=6087068n&tag=api

Our first Christmas without Ethan

Christmas time brought a lot of emotions to the surface that I thought had receded. I was blessed to be able to go back to my hometown and spend time with family for my birthday and stay until New Years. It was a truly wonderful time, and I would do it again in a heartbeat, but it brought back a lot of memories of losing Ethan and what we thought this year would look like. There were many positive times with others, but also some deep hurts. I doubt I will elaborate on the few negative things that happened, I'd rather focus on all the positive ways others helped us remember him.

 There isn't anything we can do to change the past, but we could remember him in our own little way. These are the ways we chose to remember him at Christmas.

We were able to adopt a little 6 month old boy off the tree at church. It probably sounds weird, but it was kind of fulfilling to be able to channel that desire to buy little things to get things for someone in need.

I was able to find Ethan's ornament on the memory tree at church as well. It's not the best picture, but you get the point. There was also a sign next to the tree with 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 on the bottom. Definitely added that verse to my scripture spreadsheet (I know, weird, but its a good way for me to reference and memorize) and it instantly brought to mind several who have been that comfort to me. So, thank you for all that you mean to me!

My hometown church also has poinsettias you can place in memory of someone, and Ethan had a few (from us and other family members). I was going to put a picture of the brochure, but I can't figure out how to blur the other names so I won't. Though not a big thing, it was one more tangible way to remember him.

Before Ethan's headstone was finished, Brian and I moved and we really wanted to visit our sweet boy. I bought flowers before Brian arrived and we went together to visit the cemetery. It was nice to finally see everything put together, and get to put out flowers. Brian's family had also sent flowers (right) and my Papa had left the white ones. It was nice to see that he had other decorations.

We didn't decorate in New York this year, but we did get a few things to decorate next year. Ethan has his own stocking now, and I'm excited to display it next year. He will always be our first born and a member of our family and it was comforting to be able to include him in our celebrations.

We're back!

We made it back to New York on Sunday, after a long but thankfully uneventful drive. I have several posts to catch up on, and will hopefully post when I have time to think things through. We had a nice visit with family and friends and were able to visit Ethan and see his headstone. Until I get things together, enjoy a picture of two of my favorite people:

I can't wait until we can hopefully live closer one day and have more snuggle time like this!