Remembering Ethan

April 28th was the second anniversary of Ethan's birth. In some ways I can't believe it's been two years since we said goodbye. Has it really been that long since I held him?

Remembering our first born isn't something we do only on his birthday. I can't forget the little one who made me a mother. I may not mention him as much, but it isn't because I don't think about him. In some ways it still feels too painful to talk about, and in other ways I feel like his is so precious to me that I guard those memories. Not the best explanation, but the only way I know how to describe it.

Brian and I hope to always visit the cemetery on his birthday. I know he isn't there, but it's a safe place, and taking care of his grave is the only way we can take care of him. This year we brought Hannah Kate with us. I want her to know about Ethan and how there lives are intertwined.

We love and miss you sweet boy!

Remembering Our Babies

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. A day for remembering all the precious little ones who are gone too soon.

Ethan McKinley April 28, 2009

Remembering you today sweet boy! Can't wait to see you in Heaven one day!!

Day of Hope

Today is a day to remember and acknowledge. 

We are grateful for the time we did have together, and look forward to the day when we meet again.

Two Words

**This is something I have been thinking about for awhile, but wondered if I would share. It's a balance for me (sharing deeper stuff) that I don't always do well, but I want to be honest about what losing a child is like.**

There are two words that I hate to hear. Though medically accurate, they instantly dehumanize and in my opinion, attempt to devalue. It's a pair we hear a lot when we meet with doctors to discuss losing Ethan and the conditions that caused it.  Fetal Demise. The first time I heard it, what a gut check. One breath outside my body and the words would be different. His chances of survival would be decent, and the medical community would see him as a child. I think I could tolerate the fetal part if they would just say fetal death. Demise to me doesn't admit he was living in the first place, like he's just an object. Argue to me that he wasn't living because he wasn't born yet and you might bring out the mama bear in me. That's like saying I'm not a mom.
 
I get that their jobs can be hard, and they see a lot of loss, particularly high risk doctors. They have to be detached in some ways and I understand that to a point. I guess that's the difference in the way we view things. For me, it's a personal experience and for them it's a clinical experience.

Regardless, I will continue to pepper the conversation with his name and try to bring the humanity back into the conversation of statistics and medical terminology. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to avoid the clinical discussions, they are necessary! But Ethan will always be mean more than those two words. Much more.

Ethan's Birthday

Ethan's first birthday was bittersweet, but it was wonderful to remember. Brian and I discussed how we wanted to remember and decided to make it a day we spent together. My one request was that I get to make a card for his birthday (the one I posted on that day) and it was nice to have something to focus on.  On the 28th, we went and bought flowers for the cemetery and a little cross. My aunt made us a few arrangements we are going to switch out later on in the year so he will always have flowers.

 

The rest of the day was quiet. We watched his NILMDTS slide show for the first time. It was beautiful and  I'm glad we have it in addition to the pictures. I think Bri and I needed the day to just love on each other and remember, and I'm happy that we were able to spend the time together in Georgia.

Happy First Birthday, Ethan!

Eleven Months: Can it really be?

I can't believe it's less than a month before Ethan's first heavenly birthday. To be honest, I'm not ready. I try not to dwell on what Ethan would be doing now, or what our life would look like. But, at occasions like this, it's hard not to know. When you pray for a child for so long, you have lots of time to dream of what's to come. Looking forward to simple things like late night bonding and learning how to parent, and bigger things like big dinners with family and how we would celebrate birthdays. It's hard to reconcile our first birthday dreams with reality.

Being pregnant along with many friends, I've had the joy of watching their little ones grow. I would be lying if I said that sometimes it wasn't hard, but for me, withdrawing from their lives would only make things worse. My gut instinct when I am uncomfortable or hurting is to protect myself, retreating from those I love. Since being a hermit isn't an option and I crave relationships, I'm trying to stay present. It's been a bit harder lately as others plan and celebrate first birthdays, so bear with me if I'm more focused on how we're coping.

I don't often ask, but will you pray for us as we approach Ethan's first birthday? Right now we're not sure what it will look like, but it is incredibly important to me to do something.  More than likely we will not be able to go to Georgia (where Ethan is buried and our families live) and that is hard on my heart. I've also been a lot more sensitive in my interactions with others, and putting high expectations on relationships, and I don't want to be that way. Please pray that we would find peace and comfort as Ethan's birthday approaches and that we can celebrate his life.

You are not alone

Tonight Bri and I decided to head to a Selah concert spur of the moment (we found out about it this weekend). As in, the concert was in a town about an hour away and we decided an hour and a half before it started. I had gotten their new CD for Christmas, and really wanted to see them in person. Bri obliged me, we made it there with 10 minutes to spare and snagged two folding chairs along the wall of a packed house. We were just enjoying the music, and then Todd Smith mentioned that his wife was going to speak. Can I tell you how excited I got that I would get to hear from Angie?

When Angie stepped onto the stage my emotions were already starting to churn. I knew she was going to share Audrey with us, and I always feel blessed when another mother gets to recognize her little one. Tears started pouring as she recounted their story and I got caught up in a tangle of emotions for their Audrey and our Ethan. She said something that struck me. That Audrey had weight, and she mattered (she put it more eloquently, but I think you understand). It was so nice to hear words iterated that I feel so deeply. She then asked all the mothers who has suffered a pregnancy or early child loss to stand up. Honestly, the number of women who stood up were staggering to me. She said what I so desperately needed to hear tonight: "You are not alone". I get frustrated sometimes, because this kind of loss is such an isolating thing and not something everyone understands. Seeing tangibly others who have lost was overwhelming and comforting at the same time. We are not alone.

That visual reminder will stick with me for a long time. I'm so glad we were able to go and experience the music and testimony!

Our first Christmas without Ethan

Christmas time brought a lot of emotions to the surface that I thought had receded. I was blessed to be able to go back to my hometown and spend time with family for my birthday and stay until New Years. It was a truly wonderful time, and I would do it again in a heartbeat, but it brought back a lot of memories of losing Ethan and what we thought this year would look like. There were many positive times with others, but also some deep hurts. I doubt I will elaborate on the few negative things that happened, I'd rather focus on all the positive ways others helped us remember him.

 There isn't anything we can do to change the past, but we could remember him in our own little way. These are the ways we chose to remember him at Christmas.

We were able to adopt a little 6 month old boy off the tree at church. It probably sounds weird, but it was kind of fulfilling to be able to channel that desire to buy little things to get things for someone in need.

I was able to find Ethan's ornament on the memory tree at church as well. It's not the best picture, but you get the point. There was also a sign next to the tree with 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 on the bottom. Definitely added that verse to my scripture spreadsheet (I know, weird, but its a good way for me to reference and memorize) and it instantly brought to mind several who have been that comfort to me. So, thank you for all that you mean to me!

My hometown church also has poinsettias you can place in memory of someone, and Ethan had a few (from us and other family members). I was going to put a picture of the brochure, but I can't figure out how to blur the other names so I won't. Though not a big thing, it was one more tangible way to remember him.

Before Ethan's headstone was finished, Brian and I moved and we really wanted to visit our sweet boy. I bought flowers before Brian arrived and we went together to visit the cemetery. It was nice to finally see everything put together, and get to put out flowers. Brian's family had also sent flowers (right) and my Papa had left the white ones. It was nice to see that he had other decorations.

We didn't decorate in New York this year, but we did get a few things to decorate next year. Ethan has his own stocking now, and I'm excited to display it next year. He will always be our first born and a member of our family and it was comforting to be able to include him in our celebrations.

Remembering at Christmas

Walking With You was created by Kelly of Sufficient Grace Ministries to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. To join in on Walking With You please visit Kelly's blog. 

If you are missing someone you love this Christmas, someone of ANY age who is spending Christmas with Jesus this year, I hope you will join us on this very special Walking With You. We are sharing our Christmas memories and the ways that we remember our loved ones who have gone home to heaven at Christmas time.

I have to admit this season has brought back emotions I haven't felt so strongly in awhile. I'll always miss Ethan, but thinking about the holidays and all the things I thought we would be doing together this year is hard. This is a picture from last year, when we were still basking in the joy of finally being pregnant. Baby Long, as we referred to Ethan in the beginning, had presents already and it was fun to display them under the tree and think about him using them.

This year looks different. It's a sobering fact to know he won't be here this Christmas or any others until we get to Heaven. Spending Christmas with the One the holiday is all about (Jesus) is better anyways. I keep trying to remind myself of that fact.

There are a few ways that we are going to remember Ethan this year. I have been on a mission to find the perfect Christmas ornament. I wanted to find one that celebrated his birth but didn't say '1st Christmas' and that acknowledged that he was a gift. I got a little carried away and ended up with three, but I think that's okay. You can probably tell by now that I like 'Snowbabies', and it was so fitting to me that they said what I wanted to say. One has Ethan's name on it, one says 'Gift from God' and another says 'From God 2009'.

 

My hometown church also has a memory tree with ornaments for loved ones who have passed away this year. I don't have a picture of that yet, but I hope to take one before the season is over. Ethan and my great uncle Larry also have ornaments on this tree.


We are also choosing a name off the Christmas Wish tree at church. We are hoping to love on another little boy in need this Christmas and hope to make 'adopting' a boy at Christmas a tradition. Ethan has everything he needs, but there are other little boys out there we can help.

Intentional Faith

Waking up the night of our last baby shower, and realizing something was wrong was not part of my plan. On our way to the hospital, I was pretty calm. In my head, I kept repeating scripture from Proverbs: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart And lean not on your own understanding;  In all your ways acknowledge Him,  And He shall direct your paths." And I believed. At the time, I didn't realize what the path would be. That His path would mean a painful journey to a new place without Ethan. Honestly, I am glad I didn't grasp how hard it would be. I believed we would be in Georgia a little longer, and that Ethan would still come home with us.

 But God didn't direct things the way I thought he would. His hands were present, and I felt that. But it was harder to have faith on a rockier path. I couldn't see what was up ahead and I was frustrated and angry that I wasn't on the path I had chosen. I struggled seeing other people on the path I wanted to be on. I felt left behind.

Losing Ethan made me realize how intentional faith is. To me, intentional implies a choice. It's not that things weren't a choice before, but they were easy and convenient. Before I believed. Honestly, it wasn't difficult. Life wasn't always perfect, but I never lacked the important things and faith was homey, comfortable. I was raised in a loving home and a community full of believers. I've had cherished family and friends close by to lean on during every season of my life.

 

This past year has been the most trying I have ever experienced. I know it doesn't come close to the trials of others, but I do have a taste of what intentional faith means. What it is like to choose it. And as He promised, His grace is sufficient.  I still have 'path envy' sometimes, and it's not easy to trust in the path God has put me on. I don't have it all together, and I definitely don't always make the right decisions. Though it doesn't always feel like it, this path has it's benefits. It's not quite so steep when I'm not fighting it's direction. It's like trusting the guide instead of trying to venture off on my own. I know God is much bigger than that, but the point is, He knows what's best. Having a more intentional faith didn't change what I believed, but realizing the choice did make it mean more. There's comfort in knowing that I don't have to know the way, I just have to choose faith in the One who does.

Half Birthday

Today is your six month birthday baby boy! I have to admit, this is a birthday that was harder than I anticipated. I think it's because this time of year is when it all began. Last year at this time, we were one day away from finding out you existed. At Thanksgiving, we told family and were so excited. We spent Christmas in Texas, but you got so many presents from family and we didn't even know yet if you were a boy or a girl!

It's gloomy outside today. Earlier it rained, and now it's cloud-heavy and gray. No sun in sight and the trees are almost bare. Kinda like Mommy's emotions today. My body recognizes the approaching date before my mind does. It a guttural ache that reminds me of all that is missing. The holidays that will happen in the next few months that you won't be with us to celebrate. Seeing all my friends celebrating with their kiddos, all the babies and pregnant women at church, and even the stupid mailers I still get from Target and Babies-r-us reaffirms that for me.

I got some books I ordered in the mail today. Kinda fitting since two of them have to do with you! I'll Hold you in Heaven and Mommy, Please Don't Cry: There Are No Tears in Heaven are all about you, sweet boy. There is comfort in knowing others are feeling the same way, and it helps to read blogs and books that remind me it's okay to miss you.

The fact is, all the wanting and wishing in the world won't bring you back to us in this life. Instead, I'm trying to focus on remembering you in the ways I can. Mommy is looking for the perfect ornament to put on the tree. I'm also trying to decide if we will do a box for Samaritan's Purse, for a little boy 2-4 years old, or if we will try to sponsor a child locally that would be your age. Whatever we decide, it is something I want to do every year to honor your memory. Focusing on others helps, or at least it has so far.

God has a plan, I know that and I cling to that truth even when I don't see or understand it. In so many ways you are blessed because you have missed out on all of the hurts of this world. We love you so much!!

Revelation 21:4 (New International Version)- He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Remembering

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day. It's a day to remember all the little ones who have passed away.

For all the families who didn't get to hear that sweet cry, nibble on little toes, and feel that sweet breath. You are not alone.

I will be lighting a candle tonight to remember Ethan and all the other little ones.

There are several resources out there for pregnancy and infant loss:

Sufficient Grace Ministries blog and website: Kelly was kind enough to send us a Memories of you book
To Write Their Names in the Sand: To see Ethan's name in the sand click here
Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep: Taking precious professional photographs, we will treasure our pictures of Ethan always
SHARE

We love you and miss you sweet boy!!

Ethan's name in the sand

There is a wonderful site organized by a family that writes the names of children who have passed away in the sand and photographs them (for free). This family has also experienced a loss of their own and do this as a way to honor their son Christian's memory.

Amie was kind enough to tell me about this site and I submitted Ethan's name. Ethan's picture is now up! Below is the link:

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2009/10/ethan-mckinley.html

If you go look at the picture would you leave a comment and tell them thanks? I want them to know that what they do is very much appreciated!

Five Months

That's the monkey Pat, Tasha and Granny got you! Though you didn't get to see it, it reminds me a lot of you so it sits on my nightstand (Mommy was going to decorate your room with monkeys). When I miss you most, I can always hold your monkey and listen to the music I did when you were born. It's the one I always played for us when work got stressful and I hoped to play it for you when you were fussy because it's so soothing to me. As much as I love it, I bet it doesn't hold a candle to the music you get to listen to now.

Love you and miss you!!

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Four Months

I can't believe it's been four months, Ethan. Honestly, I think it is still sinking in. This has been the month where my mind has forgotten you are gone for brief moments. Where my heart cringes when we rearrange the guest room because I wonder where your crib will go. Or I see some fabric and think "That will look great in Ethan's quilt". Seeing the little John Deere hat that Mimi and Pops got you that matches Daddy's hat. Reality rushes in quickly, I try not to focus on what could have been. Regardless of how things turned out, I wouldn't give up all the joy you did bring us when you were here. Oh how I miss you sweet boy!

Three Months

Sweet baby, has it really been three months? Mommy misses you always Ethan, but the 28ths are always the hardest.

When you were first born, it was like time stood still. We were grieving, but I don't think I completely understood that time was passing. I am starting to realize now how much things have changed over the past few months. I had two friends in Texas that were also pregnant with me. I am close to both, and was blessed to have sweet women to share the experience. Leah and I walked nearly every day and dreamed about what our babies would be like. Jenn was so happy to hear that you were finally on the way. She knew how much Mommy wanted a baby for a long time, and I loved being able to talk to her about you too. Our co-workers even through us a joint baby shower the week before Daddy and I left Texas. It was perfect way to celebrate three little babies and a complete surprise to me! Then you came at the end of April instead of in July. Baby E was born in June and baby S in July after your due date. I was so relieved to hear that everyone was safe, but I couldn't help but think of you too. Such bittersweet emotions to be so completely happy that everyone is safe and sad that you aren't here. I'm so glad that my friends still allow me to celebrate with them and see their little ones grow. They, along with countless others, have supported us so much even though I know it isn't easy.

Your pictures are on the fireplace and I get to see your precious face everyday now. One of my favorite pictures is just of the back of your head. I remember how excited I was that you had dark wavy hair. I had a dream a few weeks before that you had dark hair, but Daddy didn't think you would since both of us had light hair as babies. We couldn't decide who you looked most like, a good blend of both I think.

You were loved on by so much family that day. Your Grandma and Grandpa, Mimi and Pops, Aunts and Uncles, Nana and Papa, and Aunt Lori. I really wish you had gotten to know everyone, we're quirky, but love each other so much! I don't know what I would do if I didn't believe that God had a plan in all of this and that we will get to see you again someday in Heaven. In the past few weeks I have listened to the song 'Homesick' so many times and dreamed of what it will be like to see you again. One day, baby boy, one day.


We love you so much Ethan!!!!

Trust His Heart

I've had this song pop up in my mind several times lately, so I thought I would share. It's a older song by Babbie Mason called Trust His Heart. Does anyone else remember this song?

All things work for our good
Though sometimes we don't see how they could
Struggles that break our hearts in two
Sometimes blind us to the truth
Our Father knows what best for us
His ways are not our own
So when your pathway grows dim
And you just don't see Him
Remember you're never alone

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart
Trust His heart

He sees the master plan
And He holds our future in His hand
So don't live as those who have no hope
All our hope is found in Him
We see the present clearly
But He sees the first and the last
And like a tapestry
He's weaving you and me
To someday be just like Him

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart
Trust His heart

He alone is faithful and true
He alone knows what is best for you

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart
Trust His heart


When you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart
Trust His heart

We went to Cornell while my Mom was here to pick up Brian and see the waterfall on campus. I was excited when there was a rainbow too, if you look close you can see it.

One Month

My life seems full of extremes these days. One moment I'm feeling grateful that we were able to bury Ethan in Georgia. Other times I'm upset because I can't go see him. I'm happy to be in Ithaca so that Brian and I can be together, but I am so far away from all my other friends and family and miss them terribly. I am proud to be Ethan's Mom, but feel teased to have gone through 2 years of trying for a baby and issues at the beginning of the pregnancy to have lost him.

If you have known me for long, you know how much Brian and I have wanted to be parents. It was almost two years before Brian and I were able to get pregnant and we were so excited. We had complications in the beginning and I was put on medication. We began to relax as the weeks passed and we had positive appointments. What a blessing at 19 weeks to get to see him through the ultrasound. We made it to 29 weeks. I remember having a conversation with a friend the week before about how I was finally feeling at ease because if he was born now he could survive. I had no idea things like this could happen.

Right or wrong, I feel betrayed. I miss my sweet baby. When we left Texas I was going to spend the next 11 weeks preparing for his arrival. We had saved so that I could stay home with him once we moved to Ithaca. Brian has been in Ithaca since mid-May and I came last week with my Mom. It's a bittersweet thing to be here. I am glad to be together with Brian, but my purpose here has changed. I am a Mom, but my baby isn't here. In my head I know that he isn't on his way and that I won't get to stay home with him, but I don't think my heart has grasped that yet.

We will be scheduling a doctor's appointment once we receive Brian's insurance information and I am anxious to have a better understanding of where my health is at and what it means for the future. Please pray for us as the reality of all that has happened sinks in and we work on dealing with it together.

Beauty for Ashes

This is not a path that I would have chosen to be on, nor one I would have wanted for anyone else. We are honestly focusing on the day by day now, it's too overwhelming to think much farther ahead. It's cathartic to blog sometimes, so you may see a change in tone in the coming months as I work through all of this. It won't always be pretty or kind, but emotions typically aren't.

One of the things Brian and I have talked about is that even though we don't understand why it happened, we are grateful for many of the circumstances that surrounded Ethan's death. Before too much time passes, and some of those things fade from my memory, I wanted to jot them down here.

-We were here in Georgia when it happened and Brian had not left for New York yet. Being in Georgia means we were able to be surrounded by our family from both sides during our stay at the hospital and after. Brian was supposed to leave for New York early Monday morning, but we were at the emergency room at 3:30 that morning, so he had not left yet.

-My Aunt Lori is a NICU nurse at the hospital we were at. The hospital staff was nice, but Brian and I didn't always know the questions to ask to understand what was going on. She was our advocate, and not only helped explain to us what the lab results and numbers meant, but encouraged us to ask the doctors and nurses questions.

-We got to hold Ethan and spend time with him. Aunt Lori gave him a bath and we were able to love on him and share him with our family and friends. We knew he wasn't there anymore, but it was comforting to be with him while we could.

-My Aunt told us about an organization called 'Now I Lay me Down to Sleep'. What a blessing they were to us. For free, they came and took professional pictures of Ethan for us. Pictures mean so much to me already, and when you don't get to take your baby home with you, I think they mean even more. We won't have the pictures back for awhile, but we can't wait to see them and share him.

-People made me tangible things to hold onto. I have a bracelet with Ethan's name on it, a necklace with his initials, and even a baby bracelet with his name on it. Being able to physically touch these things helps.

-We were able to find an outfit to put Ethan in (he was so tiny) and get it embroidered with his initials. Mom's friends were able to take the outfit to the embroiderer that day and get it done. I had wanted to get that done when we picked out his going home outfit, but hadn't done it yet.

-When Brian and my dad went to the funeral home to finish the arrangements, we were told it had already been paid for. They wouldn't tell us who it was, only that it was covered.

-I was discharged from the hospital on the last day my insurance was effective. Unfortunately, insurance is one of those things you have to worry about, and I was really worried I would be in the hospital into May.

-My Aunt Lawana is a florist and made the most beautiful arrangements for the funeral. We didn't have to worry about what they would look like, we just told her we wanted white roses, and she did the rest. They were more than we could have imagined ourselves.

-There were so many other people who did things behind the scenes to make all this easier. From cooking meals, to cleaning my parents house (where we gathered after the burial), to just sending emails, messages, and cards. Others came to the burial on such short notice and loved on us. Though we didn't always say anything in return, they really meant so much to us.

Please continue to pray for healing and our move to Ithaca.