Beauty for Ashes

This is not a path that I would have chosen to be on, nor one I would have wanted for anyone else. We are honestly focusing on the day by day now, it's too overwhelming to think much farther ahead. It's cathartic to blog sometimes, so you may see a change in tone in the coming months as I work through all of this. It won't always be pretty or kind, but emotions typically aren't.

One of the things Brian and I have talked about is that even though we don't understand why it happened, we are grateful for many of the circumstances that surrounded Ethan's death. Before too much time passes, and some of those things fade from my memory, I wanted to jot them down here.

-We were here in Georgia when it happened and Brian had not left for New York yet. Being in Georgia means we were able to be surrounded by our family from both sides during our stay at the hospital and after. Brian was supposed to leave for New York early Monday morning, but we were at the emergency room at 3:30 that morning, so he had not left yet.

-My Aunt Lori is a NICU nurse at the hospital we were at. The hospital staff was nice, but Brian and I didn't always know the questions to ask to understand what was going on. She was our advocate, and not only helped explain to us what the lab results and numbers meant, but encouraged us to ask the doctors and nurses questions.

-We got to hold Ethan and spend time with him. Aunt Lori gave him a bath and we were able to love on him and share him with our family and friends. We knew he wasn't there anymore, but it was comforting to be with him while we could.

-My Aunt told us about an organization called 'Now I Lay me Down to Sleep'. What a blessing they were to us. For free, they came and took professional pictures of Ethan for us. Pictures mean so much to me already, and when you don't get to take your baby home with you, I think they mean even more. We won't have the pictures back for awhile, but we can't wait to see them and share him.

-People made me tangible things to hold onto. I have a bracelet with Ethan's name on it, a necklace with his initials, and even a baby bracelet with his name on it. Being able to physically touch these things helps.

-We were able to find an outfit to put Ethan in (he was so tiny) and get it embroidered with his initials. Mom's friends were able to take the outfit to the embroiderer that day and get it done. I had wanted to get that done when we picked out his going home outfit, but hadn't done it yet.

-When Brian and my dad went to the funeral home to finish the arrangements, we were told it had already been paid for. They wouldn't tell us who it was, only that it was covered.

-I was discharged from the hospital on the last day my insurance was effective. Unfortunately, insurance is one of those things you have to worry about, and I was really worried I would be in the hospital into May.

-My Aunt Lawana is a florist and made the most beautiful arrangements for the funeral. We didn't have to worry about what they would look like, we just told her we wanted white roses, and she did the rest. They were more than we could have imagined ourselves.

-There were so many other people who did things behind the scenes to make all this easier. From cooking meals, to cleaning my parents house (where we gathered after the burial), to just sending emails, messages, and cards. Others came to the burial on such short notice and loved on us. Though we didn't always say anything in return, they really meant so much to us.

Please continue to pray for healing and our move to Ithaca.