My life seems full of extremes these days. One moment I'm feeling grateful that we were able to bury Ethan in Georgia. Other times I'm upset because I can't go see him. I'm happy to be in Ithaca so that Brian and I can be together, but I am so far away from all my other friends and family and miss them terribly. I am proud to be Ethan's Mom, but feel teased to have gone through 2 years of trying for a baby and issues at the beginning of the pregnancy to have lost him.
If you have known me for long, you know how much Brian and I have wanted to be parents. It was almost two years before Brian and I were able to get pregnant and we were so excited. We had complications in the beginning and I was put on medication. We began to relax as the weeks passed and we had positive appointments. What a blessing at 19 weeks to get to see him through the ultrasound. We made it to 29 weeks. I remember having a conversation with a friend the week before about how I was finally feeling at ease because if he was born now he could survive. I had no idea things like this could happen.
Right or wrong, I feel betrayed. I miss my sweet baby. When we left Texas I was going to spend the next 11 weeks preparing for his arrival. We had saved so that I could stay home with him once we moved to Ithaca. Brian has been in Ithaca since mid-May and I came last week with my Mom. It's a bittersweet thing to be here. I am glad to be together with Brian, but my purpose here has changed. I am a Mom, but my baby isn't here. In my head I know that he isn't on his way and that I won't get to stay home with him, but I don't think my heart has grasped that yet.
We will be scheduling a doctor's appointment once we receive Brian's insurance information and I am anxious to have a better understanding of where my health is at and what it means for the future. Please pray for us as the reality of all that has happened sinks in and we work on dealing with it together.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
One Month
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6 comments:
We have been thinking of you guys so much. I am just so sorry for the loss of your son. Many people say this, but it is so special that all Ethan ever knew was the love and prayers of his friends and family and then he went straight to be with his Heavenly Father. On my blog.....go to these blogs....He will carry Me and Ashly and Denny. The first is just a blog I started reading about a lady named Stacy that lost her baby in Oct. and the other is a couple in our small group. They lost their son at 39 weeks, stillborn. Don't read too many sad blogs, but it does help to read other peoples stories who are going through what you went through. Prayers and love your way. I know God has amazing plans for your future. One verse I remember saying over and over is in Psalms "Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy" It has proven true in my life and I pray so for yours. Love you!!
Cecilia, I am so sorry about your loss and will continue to pray for you and Brian.
I had a miscarriage between Wes and Jessica and I remember that it took time for my head and my heart to get to the same place. Grief and healing are individual for each person and you can only take each moment as it comes and then move to the next. The days will get easier and you'll actually feel hope again. Still praying...
My heart is breaking for you and Brian as I sit here and read these past few posts and weep. I saw something you had posted on facebook today, and I was wondering if your precious baby had arrived yet. Due to some medical issues in the past few months I am behind on EVERYTHING blogging for myself and catching up on others. My heart is breaking for you, and I am praying for comfort and strength. If I had known, I would have so been at the service on May 1st. I live only about 20 min. away. if I can do anything for you then please don't hesitate to call me. all my love.
You continue to be in my prayers and I hope you have a good doctor's appointment.
Hey sis,
I just wanted you to know not a day goes by i don't think of you Brian and Ethan. I pray everyday for God to give you an brain strength and peace and courage for what has hapened and whats to come. I know my heart aches everytime i think about Ethan and how badly I wanted to spoil him and how badly I loved him although I never got to meet him. I'm so sorry you had to go through this and I hate not being close to you ,but at the same time I'm glad your there with brain and you like ithica. I visit his grave and talk to him and Im going to continue to try to do that till you get here and can do it your self . always in our hearts is the perfect saying when i think of ethan because its soo true that such a tiny human being can be so small and yet make such a huge impact on our lives as he did . I love you and brian sooo very very much and if you need anything you call I'dd find a plane and hop on it in a split second if I knew you needed me :)
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