Walking with you ~ The things people say

Walking with you was created by Kelly at Sufficient Grace Ministries as a way to support those of us who have lost a child. While I read these posts weekly, I have been observing rather than participating because many things are still too fresh for me. This week's topic was something I wanted to share in though as I think it's something that many people struggle with.

Here's the topic for this week:"... we are sharing some of the things that people said to us while we were in the throws of grief...for better or for worse. Losing a child changes a person, and along with that comes changes in our relationships with friends and relatives. In some ways, our new perspective reveals what's really important in life, and who really cares about us."

I should probably start with two disclaimers. 1) Everyone grieves differently, so what is hurtful to some may not be to others. 2) If you have said anything hurtful that I list below, don't let that discourage you from reaching out in the future. I would rather have something said to me in love that hurt than to be avoided all together.

I have been very blessed to have been supported by a wide range of people. Placed in their shoes (someone who hasn't lost a child), I can't honestly say I would be able to respond as well. I can give you a few clues into what can be offensive/hurtful:

- "You can always have other children": Whether this is true or not, the ability to have more children doesn't absolve the grief over losing our child. Children aren't interchangeable. Getting and staying pregnant isn't easy for everyone either.

- Asking "How are you?" as a social statement rather than wanting to know the answer. Grief makes people uncomfortable, but if you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question. Know that if you do ask, you could get a reaction of tears or smiles depending on the moment. Sometimes just knowing others are truly interested is the best kind of support.


If you're like me, you don't necessarily know what to say. I can tell you a few things are are helpful to me:

- Do know it's okay to admit you don't know what to say. Even saying 'I love you', 'I'm thinking of you', or 'I'm praying for you' means a lot. Even silence is okay, knowing your intention is what is important =).

- If you want to talk about Ethan, that's okay. I think one of the things most who have lost a child so early fear is that their child will be forgotten.

- Tell me what is going on with you, even if it involves your children. Some of the best conversations I've had since we lost Ethan has been about simple, everyday things. I can't promise I won't get teary, or that I don't say things that are awkward, but knowing we can both be honest is so helpful.

There are many other things that can be said that have already been covered by others better than I could express them (particularly spiritual sentiments people will say). You can click the icon above to see Kelly's post (as well as links to others who have lost a child). I also like Molly Piper's post on this topic as well as the others in her series on grief.

Thanks for letting me think things through on the blog once again, and for all the support you've provided along the way!