Intentional Faith

Waking up the night of our last baby shower, and realizing something was wrong was not part of my plan. On our way to the hospital, I was pretty calm. In my head, I kept repeating scripture from Proverbs: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart And lean not on your own understanding;  In all your ways acknowledge Him,  And He shall direct your paths." And I believed. At the time, I didn't realize what the path would be. That His path would mean a painful journey to a new place without Ethan. Honestly, I am glad I didn't grasp how hard it would be. I believed we would be in Georgia a little longer, and that Ethan would still come home with us.

 But God didn't direct things the way I thought he would. His hands were present, and I felt that. But it was harder to have faith on a rockier path. I couldn't see what was up ahead and I was frustrated and angry that I wasn't on the path I had chosen. I struggled seeing other people on the path I wanted to be on. I felt left behind.

Losing Ethan made me realize how intentional faith is. To me, intentional implies a choice. It's not that things weren't a choice before, but they were easy and convenient. Before I believed. Honestly, it wasn't difficult. Life wasn't always perfect, but I never lacked the important things and faith was homey, comfortable. I was raised in a loving home and a community full of believers. I've had cherished family and friends close by to lean on during every season of my life.

 

This past year has been the most trying I have ever experienced. I know it doesn't come close to the trials of others, but I do have a taste of what intentional faith means. What it is like to choose it. And as He promised, His grace is sufficient.  I still have 'path envy' sometimes, and it's not easy to trust in the path God has put me on. I don't have it all together, and I definitely don't always make the right decisions. Though it doesn't always feel like it, this path has it's benefits. It's not quite so steep when I'm not fighting it's direction. It's like trusting the guide instead of trying to venture off on my own. I know God is much bigger than that, but the point is, He knows what's best. Having a more intentional faith didn't change what I believed, but realizing the choice did make it mean more. There's comfort in knowing that I don't have to know the way, I just have to choose faith in the One who does.