Bare Honesty

I read a post by Kelly at Sufficient Grace this morning, and it really made me think. I don't think it was meant to be the main focus of the post, but she was talking about being a 're-player' and it really hit met because I have been doing that all day today. It's honestly a bad habit of mine, because when Brian and I get together with other people my insecurity comes to a head as soon as we get in the car. I'm usually giving a play-by-play of all the things I said or did that were goofy at best, and reading deeper into what others say. It drives him crazy, but he tolerates it pretty well, reminding me that I think about things way too much.

I know it is probably shocking to some, especially other baby loss moms, but most people in New York don't know about Ethan. It's not because we're ashamed (incredibly far from it), but it happened for a variety of reasons. At first, it was because it we lost him while we were moving, and we knew no one up here. We had to tell Brian's boss because he was going to be late to start his post doc, but it has never been discussed since we got here. I'm an incredibly private person (one of the many reasons that blogging came as a surprise), and losing Ethan is so very personal. It's not something you rattle off as a factoid when you meet someone new, and it changes the way people interact with you. If friends don't always know how to handle it (understandably so), how do I expect strangers to know how to react?

We have been trying to meet people at church, and started attending a small group of married couples. I've got to be honest, it was really hard. Things are different here and I have such a hard time with change. Though it was a new group, many of the couples have known each other for awhile, and most are younger than us. The past two weeks seem to have been easier (though I still replay things in the car) and have enjoyed getting to know a few people better.

I was honest about my desire to find a job, which is sticky thing to me because I know people wonder why I wasn't looking before we moved. This week, one of the ladies I have gotten to know emailed me to let me know about a position available in a Chiropractor's office. I was so touched, and yet uncomfortable at the same time. Ever since we lost Ethan, I have a really hard time with medical offices. Not really a good thing when you have to go back several times, and just thinking about that setting gives me chills.

So I took a leap. I really wanted her to know how much I appreciated that she thought of me and to also understand why I couldn't do it. So I told her. And now I'm wondering if that was the right thing to do...I hate all the double-guessing! Being so open makes me fell bare. I just don't know how else to truly let people in without exposing our hurt. And tonight we go back to small group and I'm so very nervous. Yuck!

Does that even make sense?  Do you struggle with insecurity? Are you a re-player? If you are, how do you tame it?